I received an interesting email solicitation. SPERMAXX, an all-natural herbal supplement, promised that I would see at leasta 30% increase in Semen Volume, Sperm Count, Sperm Morphology or Sperm Motility (Note it says 'or' and not 'and' in that claim) if I used their product for ninety days. They backed up this claim with a $1 Million guarantee.
So I went to their website (which is designed to get you to order their product rather than provide you with actual information, but I digress). Finally, I located the terms of their guarantee where, among other things, I found these definitions:
Semen Volume - a measure of how much semen is present in one ejaculation.
Sperm Count - a count of the number of sperm present per milliliter (mL) of semen in one ejaculation.
Sperm Morphology - a measure of the percentage of sperm that have a normal shape.
Sperm Motility - a measure of the percentage of sperm that can move forward normally.
I did a little research - apparently, the one they are counting on is the first definition since the Semen Volume can vary considerably and a 30% variance is not that great. Sperm Count, Sperm Morphology and Sperm Motility are far greater measures of fertility and 'Semen Volume' is merely a base-line number. Anyway, I figured I could beat their guarantee and cash in on the $1 Million.
I ordered a 120 day supply of SPERMAXX (at $59 per 30 day bottle- 2 pills per day) and waited. When the order arrived (with a load of other offers but again, I digress) I called my lawyer and then "cleared the pipes" (a 'Something About Mary' reference) and waited three days - based on my research. After the three days, I obtained a sperm sample and took it to a local Medical Lab and instructed them to measure the Semen Volume, Sperm Count, Sperm Morphology and Sperm Motility ($150 for those keeping score). The next day I began my course of taking SPERMAXX - exactly according to their instructions.
After 88 days, I again "cleared the pipes" and on the 91st day I again obtained a sperm sample and took it to the same Medical Lab and instructed them to again measure the Semen Volume, Sperm Count, Sperm Morphology and Sperm Motility (another $150 for those keeping score) and notified my lawyer.
When I received both reports from the Medical Lab, I copied my lawyer and contacted SPERMAXX by email to inform them that they owed me $1 Million. Because...
My Semen Volume - actually went down .05%.
My Sperm Count - remained unchanged at 0.
My Sperm Morphology - remained unchanged at 0.
My Sperm Motility - remained unchanged at 0.
The last three results were, of course, due to the fact that I had undergone a vasectomy seven years before. But since the conditions of their guarantee made absolutely no mention of surgical variance, I (and my lawyer) felt that I had met the specific conditions of their offer and their product had failed to meet those conditions and they were, therefore, liable for the promised payment of $1 Million. Apparently they disagreed.
Long story short - The SPERMAXX site is now gone and I no longer receive their SPAM (If, in any way, I contributed to this state of events I am thankful.) However, I am still out $536 (for their product and my tests) and have yet to receive the promised $1 Million.
There ought'a be a law.